Hemlock Grove

Since I’m still slogging through a number of books these days (not because they’re bad, but because things got really busy all of a sudden, and I just can’t manage to finish a book), I thought I’d talk about some of the tv shows I’ve been watching lately.

I’m actually not that big of a tv watcher — we only have local channels at home, though I do have a Netflix subscription that we watch through our Wii. And I’d been highly recommended the recent Netflix original series House of Cards. It was kind of an unexpected joy watching that show, and I’ll definitely talk about it more later, but today…

Today I have to talk about Hemlock Grove.

This show, y’all. It’s…it’s a beautiful train wreck.

So the story is that a gypsy family moves to a small former steel town in Pennsylvania (home, apparently, to the best named amusement park ever: Pennsylmania), just in time for a rash of horrible murders to rip through the female population of the local high school. There’s also a big sketchy medical institution run by the big sketchy Local Family of Money and Snobbery. The rich boy heir to the throne with the epic name of Roman Godfrey (a member of the awesome Skarsgaard family, turns out) teams up with the gypsy boy Peter Rumancek, and together they try to find the killer and clear Peter’s name.

But y’all…why do gypsies always have magical powers? Why can’t there be one show (other than The Riches) where gypsies are just PEOPLE? Can’t they just be folks who don’t live like other people? Why must they be prophets and magicians and werewolves and blah blah blah? Seriously, for once I’d love to see a show where a vampire is trolling a town, and it turns out it ISN’T the sexy-rebellious gyspy kid who lives in a trailer in the woods.

Some other beefs? Everyone in this show has a drinking problem. Frankly I wouldn’t have been surprised to see the Rumanceks’ cat Casper crack open a beer with its tiny kitty claws. Alcoholism is a serious, scary issue, and I know it can make a character more real (supposedly), but…use it once. Don’t make everybody a step away from addiction, it’s ham-handed.

But there were definitely some good aspects. It was gorgeous, first of all. I would love to live in the woods of Pennsylvania, assuming it didn’t snow. The little town was adorable and charming and all the things Quaint New England Towns are supposed to be. And the actors were totally gorgeous, too, which helps.

The show also has a really cool mix of fairytale and mad scientist-grade sci-fi. The local Evil Medical Lab of Evil is doing all sorts of sketchy things up in their sinister tower, all while werewolves and fortune tellers and dead bodies are crawling around in the woods. Because why just have one? If anything, Hemlock Grove goes with the mantra of “more is more.”

And my two favorite things:

1: Best werewolf transformation I’ve ever seen in a movie or tv show. And I’ve seen a few (don’t judge). There were some squicky bits, but then a REAL WOLF APPEARED. THANK YOU. I don’t need a CGI frankenwolf to show up and ruin the party! GIVE ME A REAL WOLF.

2: Shelley Godfrey, Roman’s little sister and the mysterious Godfrey Institute experiment gone a little strange. I wish she had her own show, which is saying something, since she can’t speak. She carries her phone on a chain around her neck with a little pen to let it speak for her, but I love her.

But all of this aside, I give you one piece of advice: skip the last episode. It is a full-course, Chinese buffet style of WTF. There’s so much going on, and for some reason there’s a tray of enchiladas in between the General Tso’s and the Sweet and Sour Shrimp, and you’re really just better off staying away. Just…don’t. It doesn’t answer ANY questions, it takes itself far too seriously, and it left a terrible taste in my mouth.

Have y’all seen this show? What did you think?